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December, 1987. These were the days of the gods. The days when such inconceivable madness was afoot--the Goverment, the people, all corrupt-- Times when the end seemed so close that the devil himself sat in his chamber with the smug look that is usually accompanied by the question: "Hey, man, did you pay the rent yet? 'Cause, you know, the landlord came over and he, like, doesn't really come over unless we forget to the pay the rent."

But, someone did pay the rent. And then they had sex. And then they had a baby. And that baby's name was Zac Efron. But, we're not here to talk about him, mostly because that happened two years prior to 1987. We're here to talk about someone else, someone completely different, who was also, coincidentally, conceived by two people having sex together, but otherwise is unrelated. Lia Tennant was born on December 6th, 1987, plus two days. As a child she played street basketball for money, legendary for punking out Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan at one time. Then she turned four and things really got interesting.

Lia made history as the first four-year-old girl drafted to go to war in Iraq, and after single-handedly flying a helicopter-load of baby kittens to safety while winning a fistfight against an Iraqi bodybuilder on steroids with rusty knives taped to his hands so he looked like Wolverine she was awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Purple Heart and free Arby's for life.

Lia returned home at age six to write her autobiography "Can I Please Just Have Some Apple Juice? Really, I'm Tired of Doing All This Grown-Up Shit... I'm Fucking Six" which immediately became a New York Times Bestseller, also earning her a Pulitzer Prize and a Nobel Peace Prize. While touring the country in support of her book, Lia taught herself to play guitar, bass, drums, piano, saxophone, trumpet, violin, cello and kazoo and recorded the Grammy-Award winning double instrumental free-jazz album "Fuck You, Jeff Beck, You Weird-Face Having Motherfucker". To date, it is the bestselling free-jazz album ever released and has been featured at #1 on every single top 10 album list... ever.

Lia's record label took advantage of the positive sales of the album and relentless touring ensued with her backing band The Douch Bags featuring Rush's Neil Peart on drums, Red Hot Chili Peppers' Flea on bass and Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page on lead guitar. The winner from a shot at love 2, trever, was also spotted backstage smoking pot. The D-Bags, as they were commonly referred to, toured until Lia was twelve when she was arrested for possession of crack cocaine, heroin and Fruity Pebbles. Lia was held in a Guatemalan prison for two years until she was finally released at age 14. She took a year off and at age 15 published a book about her experience in prison. She once stated in an interview that it reminded her of the two years Hitler spent in prison, only less Jews died. In reference to that comparison, the book was titled "Mein... Not Yours". Due to a quick and unwanted endorsement by Mel Gibson, the title was later changed to "Fuck You Mel Gibson, We Don't Want Any". The book topped the bestsellers lists just like her autobiography.

After that, Lia went on to star in many major motion pictures such as every Star Wars movie even though they were filmed before she was born, as well as "Good Will Hunting" and finally the film adaptation of her life "I'm Lia Tennant... I Like Girls Who Look Like Drug Addicts" The intense fame that came with movie stardom brought Lia to the limelight, as well as her offscreen relationships with Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johannson, Cher and the guy in the jr. whopper suit, whom she dated all at once.

But, Lia's true crowning achievement was when she was elected President of the United States of America, then immediately shot to death by terrorists, then brought back to life for no reason. After that, she got a job at Kevallis, and lived with her girlfriend.

We asked Lia one final question. She answered. "Would I do it all again? Fuck, yeah, I would. I'm about to as soon as finish charging up this time machine I invented. Fuck off."

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